It was not until January of 2023 that I was diagnosed with both Autism and ADHD. What I had been fighting, trying to treat, and failing to live with for my entire life, was not what my body was actually experiencing. There were so many emotions felt when I learned. Sheer joy at having the fog lifted and true understanding of my self. Anger at my many previous physicians and therapists for not listening to me when I said it wasn't working but rather prescribing something new. Sadness that there were so many people in my life that I wish I could go back to and explain my new learned "why". But mostly, the dissipation of the self loathing with the realization that, for my diagnosis, I actually WAS the normal. 

And the absolute EUPHORIA at taking Adderall for the first time. I was terrified the first time because it was like the warmth that had spread through me after surgery when I was given morphine. My body became still and my mind went quiet. In those first few moments, I thought something went wrong. But then 1 minute turned to 2 and 5 minutes turned to 10. I could never have fathomed that I could sit and not have 152 tabs simultaneously open and running in my brain at all times, causing me to feel every emotion all of the time. I was now calm, quiet, content, and just aware. For the first time in  my ENTIRE life...I was a real person. 

However, with this new found quiet, my Autism "quirks" (I like to call them) have become something I am now aware of. For example, with the background noise and periphery in my head no longer so overpowering, I am able to notice the way things feel on my skin. My seatbelt likes to move my shirt. My cross-body purse moves the collar of my shirt. Certain bras like to cause my shirt to bunch in the front or sit differently on my shoulders. Recently, in chatting with one of my friends from high school, we were giggling at how hindsight makes it blaringly obvious.

Since starting Adderall, I have been able to stop all other medications. I am no longer in therapy every week but every 6-8 weeks. Self awareness, healthy boundaries, inner peace, and genuine appreciation for my life is something I thought was only in the Hallmark Christmas movies that I binge. But here I am, today, purging the last bit of poison that has lingered for far too long. It took a very long and hard path to get here but it is with happy tears that I am finally able to hit delete on those pages of a book that is not longer where I am.

https://afsp.org/

https://www.nami.org/

National Alliance on Mental Illness

https://nationalautismassociation.org/

National Autism Association

https://chadd.org/

Children and Adults with ADHD