Thursday, March 20, 2008 2:55 pm

From: SIL
To: Me

Good luck today!

Are you jealous of my cool signature?

(Included is typical signature block information but with World of Warcraft pic and theme)

From: Me

To: SIL

OMG yes! I am a level 15 hunter and a level 14 druid (both night elves) (is that spelled right) (can you do back to back parentheis?) and I have a level 14 human mage.

Thank you again for letting me freak out real quick. You save the day again  ;o)

*My full name*

WoW Addict Level 2

From: His Cousin

To: Me

 Hi tramp!  Baby *His nickname* is so cute, I loved the fuzz on his head.  I'm so glad I got to finally see him. I cant believe you had to work on easter. I hope he's feeling better.  I got sick after easter, but I feel better now.  Well better go, keep in touch.  Later. 

From: Me

To: His Cousin

 Yeah, I totally missed you! How are you feeling? I am washing up the last bit of the baby clothes this afternoon so I can give them to your mom. I'm just going to give you everything I was going to get rid of so you can pick through it and just toss what you don't want. Yeah, it sucked that I had to work but my dad is taking over my spot there so I had to train him that day because he started Monday. Now I'm only a fulltime student, looking for a job.   :o)  

From: Me

To: MIL

Instead of going to a restaurant or something on my birthday, do you want to do a poker thing? Did you have plans for your birthday yet? We could do a joint thing....

Ok, its true....I am looking for ANY reason to play. I will celebrate the day the first public library opened (April 9, 1833) if it would mean I could play. I seriously miss it and I also miss you guys.

I buy everything and clean up and buy you shoes :o) 

From: MIL

To: Me

Well, a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about a poker tournament for my birthday and celebrate it Saturday the 19th, but I thought about it and it just seems like to much work.  But, let me talk to *FIL* and see what he thinks.  Because when I was planning it, I wanted to buy the same type of food I got for your baby shower, you know the Hawaiian BBQ, it was like $120 and it was perfect, also get some fruit, chips and salsa, cake, and drinks, so I figure it would end being like $300.00.  That’s why I was hesitant to do it, but I will talk to *FIL* and see what he thinks, and I will let you know.  If we do it, would we invite only poker people or everyone?

Hey, how about Cancun , did *His nickname* tell you?  It is from August 23 to August 30.  We already made the reservation for a two bedroom suite. I hope you guys can make it.

From: Me

To: MIL

Yeah, he told me about Cancun. He plans on using our rebate for the trip. He is so excited he can't even think right now.

I don't care who's invited. I thought just the poker people but its totally up to you. Even if it doesn't happen, I just want to see you guys!

*Our daughter* has a game this Saturday if you want to go. Also, any plans Sunday? Maybe I could bring the kids by. Ok, I'll stop sounding so desperate  :o)

From: MIL

To: Me

Good morning,

You know I thought about the poker thing and it’s been so hard to get people to play and it will be so much work.  I rather go to the casino and play in a tournament.  I think *FIL* won’t have any problem with me playing since it will be my present.  I checked the Bicycle Casino and they have a Lady’s poker tournament on May 4 ($100 buy in) I know is not that close to our birthdays, but still good.  I really don’t want to celebrate my birthday this year for some reason (midlife crisisL).   Or, we can take the afternoon of Saturday 19 or Sunday the 20 of April and go to the big casinos like Agua Caliente or Pechanga.  Let me know what you think.  

And of course we can go out to dinner for yours; you are not worry about midlife crisis, that’s for old farts like me.  How old are you going to be, 26 or 27?

From: Me

To: MIL

LOL I'll be 27 and I totally understand. I agree about the casino....it will be my birthday present so he can't complain  :o)

About your midlife thingy....knock it off. You look younger than *SIL* and not old enough to be *Little SIL*'s mom. My mom has even said the same thing. But I understand and don't worry about the dinner....we'll just eat at the casino :o) 

From: MIL

To: Me, His Aunt

Hey *Me* and *His Aunt*,

*Poker friend* e-mail me to let you guys know that she wants to have a girls poker night Saturday May 3rd.  Please let me know if you guys want to go.  I don’t know if she is going to make it a potluck, but I will let you know.  I just wanted to find out who wants to go, so we can see if we have enough girls.  We need at least 7.  Please let me know either way. 

To: MIL

From: Me

OMG of course!!!

From: Me

To: His Cousin

So glad you're going! Believe it or not, *Our daughter* is really into either cars (like hot wheels) or little doll families (like Polly Pocket). They are everywhere! She is still totally into art stuff, Hannah Montana....Seriously, she is so easy to buy for. She likes it all.

Can't wait! BYOPS (Bring your own pinata stick)

From: MIL

To: Me

Hey Family,

This is to invite you to *SIL*s BBQ to celebrate her 17th birthday.  We’ll do it on Saturday June 14th at 2:30 P.M. at home.

Please let me know if you’ll be able to attend.

To: MIL

From: Me

My friend *Best friend*'s son is having his baptism that day at 3pm. I have to go. *He* and the kids will come over and I will meet them there afterwards.

Save me some guacamole  :o)

From: MIL
To: Me

If you are planning on getting *Little SIL* something for her birthday and you need some ideas.  *Little SIL* provided me with a whole list.  So, let me know. 

From: Me

To: MIL

YES PLEASE!!!

From: MIL

To: Me

Okay,

Books by Chuck Palahnuik-  Choke or any of them (except Invisible Monsters & Lullaby)

Gift Cards

Forever 21

Charlotte Russe

H & M

Movies

Mean Girls

Scrubs (as many seasons as possible)

Clothes--- bottoms size 3 or 4, and tops S or XS

Brightly colored shorts

Look at clothes on my favorites online ****

Shoes

Suede boots

Others

Magazine subscriptions –Seventeen

Mickey Avalon posters

I-POD music things –speakers and others

Really nice, nice digital camera

I wrote it down exactly as she had them on her list.   **** I assumed she is talking about myspace.

I am pretty sure *Little SIL* will be happy with anything you get her; I just thought it will be easier to give you ideas.

From: MIL

To: Me

Okay, just to let you know *Little SIL* is getting the 6 seasons of Scrubs from *SIL*, *MIL Sister* is getting her the seventeen magazine and we are getting her the digital camera, so the rest of her list is completely open 

Ok. Still unsure....*He* is procrastinating as usual… 

From: MIL
To: Me

Did you guys set up *Our daughter*’s butterfly garden? 

From: Me

To: MIL

 It says to wait until they are hanging from the lid in their cocoon. They have begun the process so we can move them into the big part soon. Its very cool to watch. That is all she's been asking for. 

From: Me

To: His Cousin, His Aunt

Hi guys,

I am so bummed that I missed you guys last weekend. The baby and I have been pretty sick. I'm nervous because he sounds like he did when he had RSV and was hospitalized. Please bear with me...I'm really worried.

On a lighter side, I went through everything and have a few things that he doesn't need anymore but definitely do not want to toss. For instance, his Baby Einstein Musical Motion Activity Jumper and stuff. *His cousin*, if you were interested, I would drop it off at *His Aunt*'s (*His Aunt*, if you don't mind) 

Again, I am so sorry that I missed you because I truly do miss you. Please understand.

*Me*

From: His Cousin

To: Me

 Of course *Me*, honestly I didn't think you guys were really sick, I thought you and *His nickname* got into it again and thats why you didn't come.  So i'm sorry. I would've called. I'm gonna go see my brother play at Huntington beach, I hope you'll be there, we could party like it's 1999. Hee hee  later. 

From: Me

To: His Cousin

 I will so be there if you’re going!!! woo hoo… 

From: His Cousin

To: Me

Hi *Me*, I want to call but I always feel like it could be a bad time.  Just thinking about you guys, please call me any time or email k.  later 

From: Me

To: His Cousin

I work now all f-in day  lol   I go in at 930 and if we have late patients, I just take a longer lunch but yesterday I was here until almost 7. I miss you too! How is your little angel? Is he growing so fast? I want to hold him before he can walk! :-) 

From: His Cousin

To: Me

 We have to get together some time, I hope yer going to Huntington on the 30th.  *Her son* is so cute, the kids just adore him so much. *Her daughter* is like the little mommy. Every time he makes a noise the kids say he's crying. And he's so not. call me when you have time k.  later. 

From: Him

To: Me

Since I can't email you on mysapce because you're too cool...

So does it make you feel good to change my passwords? How cool is that?

From: Me

To: Him

 I didn't...go have fun....I'm over all this myspace crap. I don't care about your page, your friends, your secret emails......have fun in Compton. I can't do this anymore. You change everyday and I don't. I can't be with someone who isn't there for me. I want love, REAL unconditional love. I'm just a convenient cover so you don't have to work and you still don't look bad to your family for bailing again. Well, guess that charade is over. 

From: Me

To: His Cousin

Hey...so its done. He's moving out 9/12 to Compton with *His cousin*. He begged me to let him stay with me until then so he wouldn't have to ask your mom to stay with her for those 2 weeks. LOL  He wasn't even going to ask his folks or his sister.

What you said reminds me of *Our Daughter*. Everytime the baby drooled, she would scream that he was throwing up. I would come running expecting him to be gushing from the mouth and the drool hadn't even made it to his chin yet  :-)   I love the little helpers!

From: Me

To: Him 

....Grow up. Its from Disney's Little Mermaid. *Our daughter* heard it on Radio Disney and later that night, on myspace looking for a song, she recommended it or Jonas Brothers. Next time, ask before you act like a jackass for nothing. Its old.

Also, about my attitude towards you tonight. It started yesterday when you said you didn't want to sit with the kids while I went with *Mother-in-Law* because "you had them the night before"....Are you serious?!?!? They are your kids and you SHOULD be "having" them all day every day. You had no problem letting *Sister-in-Law* babysit while you sat around all night. That showed me alot where your head still is towards parenting and this relationship. You still see it as babysitting. I would think that since you moved out, you would want to spend every possible second with them. I guess I was wrong.

So, I got over that because it just wasn't something new and then today, I said that we miss you and *Our daughter* wanted you to come over. You came over and said nothing to anybody. *Our daughter* was in the bath, you peeked in and said hi quickly. You laid down beside the baby for a little and then you just laid there rubbing your head because (what a shock) you were sooo tired. I tried a couple times to start a conversation but every response was only one word. Then, you silently make *Our daughter* and I a quesadilla, complain that I have nothing to drink, and eat wordlessly. You don't go with me to tuck *Our daughter* in for school. You lay on the couch while I feed the baby his food and his bottle. Only then do you grab him, only to hand him off to me because he pooped, which of course I changed. Then you walk over to me and ask for a kiss. Before, I would have jumped at the slightest show of attention and/or affection, but its just not enough anymore.

You said yesterday that you wanted to move back in. Why? Nothing has changed. You are still unemployed. You still are treating me like crap (even more so now with the immature myspace crap, and the vicious emails/voicemails that you constantly leave), you're still playing both sides of the field, and you still are putting yourself before your kids. Friday night, you said you were glad we weren't together, and then Saturday night, you say your coming home. I can't put me and the kids through that. Its not fair that I had to sit *Our daughter* down and tell her that her dad was leaving us and then have you change your mind AGAIN a few days later.

And now the phone call we just had....it just seems like if I'm upset, your famous words are "forget it". You don't ask whats wrong or even try to fix it. This sucks! I can't keep going through this like this. If you want it, fight for it and fix it. You can't be lazy at everything, including our relationship. It takes work and effort on your part. I never know where we stand from day to day. Its constantly changing. You go from calling me a cheating biana cunt to asking for a kiss and coming home. I can't go back and forth like that. You need to do some serious soul searching, make a decision, and still with it regardless of how hard it will be. Nothing in life comes easily.

From: Me

To: His Cousin

She is totally back to normal. The doc said that its actually pretty common and happens all the time. Still scared the life out of me though.

Yeah, *He* came back. Call me sometime and I can clarify somethings....no really, call me.

From: His Cousin

To: Me

sorry i didn't get back to you sooner. is *Our daughter* ok now?  how is her ear?

can she still hear the same? that poor girl.  i heard your husbands back, thats good.

From: Me

To: His Cousin

Good morning,

So its 7am and I've been at work already for 20 minutes. Its so great getting up, ready, and out of the house while everyone is still asleep. I sing in the car the whole way here. I totally needed this. It pretty great. My hours are M-F 7a-4p. I support the President, VP, and 9 nuclear engineers. Go ahead, and say it "wow *Me*, thats awesome!".  The greatest is the pay. Its exactly what I needed to start doing "things". Also, since I was placed by an agency, I get paid through them for the 90 days which means that I get paid every Friday. Woo hoo!

So, about Saturday. It starts at 11a with bbq ready by noon. *FIL* is putting *their dog* in the kennel first thing in the morning and since he needs to be there at least 24 hrs and they are closed on Sunday, he will be there until Monday  LOL so no worries. So everyone keeps asking me what the "theme" is going to be. Well, its 1. Since its his first birthday, thats the f-ing theme. Sheesh  LOL. We did get a little pull string pinata. Other than that, I have no idea. The only actual "kids" there are yours and mine. The rest are infants. Not really sure how to plan game for that so blah. There is sidewalk chalk so they can do that. If you have any great ideas, let me know (but be sure that they are great first)  hehehe.

*His* truck is STILL not fixed. Yeah, don't even get me started on that one.

We took the baby's one year portraits last weekend. He was totally cheesey for the lady. Totally flirting with her. It was so funny. They will be ready by 11/19 so I will call and hopefully get them by the party. If not, they will go out in the mail. Also, on Sunday, we are taking family portraits (which will be mailed out with Christmas cards). *He* said he's not going to be in them, so we'll see......

OTHER than that, everything is great.......you? 

From: Me

To: His Cousin

OMG do you think you are funny (because you are SO not). Trust me, there is NO way I could be (or get) pregnant. NONE.

Anyways, back on the real subject, I decided against the water slide. It was too late of notice to try to tell everyone to dress for water play. Plus, it all keeps coming back to not knowing how many kids will actually be there. I don't want to spend $200 on this stupid thing for nobody to use it. We'll see.

I let *Our daughter* pick order the cake. *He* was so mad because the "theme" of the party is just blue #1s (which is normal for a first birthday, right?) and she ordered a cake that is dinosaurs with a green trim. He kept trying to talk her out of it at Sams Club last night because it wouldn't match  LOL  I can't wait for tomorrow to be over already.

From: Me

To: His Cousin

Bummed we missed you Saturday. The little kennel thing they made was completely enclosed so you would have had nothing to worry about...it was perfect. Next time.

So, the "family" portraits are out. *He* keeps canceling so this year (again) the Christmas cards will be of just the kids. Blah.

To: MIL, SIL

(This is a letter a wrote Him. I wanted to get their opinion before I sent it to *Him*)

From: Me

The dictionary has nearly 30 definitions for the word love, such as "a

strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal

ties...attraction based on sexual desire...warm attachment, enthusiasm, or

devotion..." Love can vary from romantic all the way down to platonic.

"Love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can't live without. Someone you

fall head over heels for. Find someone you can love like crazy, and will

love you the same way back. Listen to your heart. No sense in live without

this. To make the journey without falling deeply in love, you haven't lived

a life at all. You have to try, because if you haven't tried, then you

haven't lived" is a line from Meet Joe Black. "Love is that condition in

which the happiness of another person is essential to you own" was said by

Robert Heinlein. Maybe its movies like my favorite, The Notebook, that keep

my head in the clouds, longing for an ideal that in unrealistic. Yet, I

find I cannot stop myself from yearning. I love being in love. I just wish

I could stay there longer than a few moments at a time.

I realize as I lay contemplating what love means to me, that it is a

seemingly selfish wish. It is a list of wants and expectations. These,

however, I would expect of myself as well, a definite reciprocation of

actions and such. It is here, that I seek out your advice, the two whom I

trust and respect, with my list. Is it completely unrealistic and

fantastic? Am I so greedy that I am the cause of my own sadness and

disappointment?

First, I want to hear a kind word, even a compliment from time to time. To

me, love doesn't call someone a "lesbian whore" or a "cheating slut", no

matter how angry they are. I don't want to be the only one compromising on

values and beliefs. I don't want to walk on eggshell, afraid to speak up

when you've not only hurt my feelings, but broken my heart, because, once

again, you will leave me and the kids. I shouldn't be the only one

expressing how in love I am, vocally or physically,  and when I do, be

called gay for doing so. I want to be told I love you from time to time.

Its not even an every day expectance. Just occasionally, without being

asked. These kind words should also trickle down to the children. *Our daughter*

needs to know how much you love her. She is still not completely over being

left so many times. She is still desperately seeking approval from you,

trying to impress you (burping, etc.). You need to express to her that you

love her unconditionally, no matter what. She needs to hear good night. Too

many times, you say you will be there shortly to say good night, and she

falls asleep waiting. That is not fair to her. And for *Our son*, no matter how

old he is or what cute voice you use, calling his mother a "bitch" to him

in unacceptable, even jokingly. You berate me constantly in front of, and

with, the children and it absolutely must stop. I want to be thought of

fondly and I realize that I must act accordingly. This is one of our many

compromises and areas of work. But is it too far fetched?

Second, I want to touch. Not just sexually, and even then, not on command.

I want to be able to sit beside you on the couch, and should our legs

happen to brush up against each other, you not coil away in disgust. Kaylee

is careful not to touch or kiss your face because you have her terrified

that you will get pimples by the slightest contact. I don't want you to

reach over and smack my mouth, not only in front of the kids but when we

are in public, simply because you think my reaction is funny. When I reach

over to touch you, you bend my fingers back and say you will break them.

Why are all of my romantic, loving advances met with such mean violence?

I'm tired of the excuses. At first it was because your mom died and your

dad wasn't affectionate with you. And then it was because your dad and

*MIL* don't do it either. When I pointed out that back when we were dating

and when we first got married, we used to fall asleep completely entangled

in each other and we used to show affection every couple of steps, you

blatantly pointed out that "the novelty had worn off and you didn't have to

win me over anymore". None of those are good enough. I'm not saying that I

want a make out session in the grocery store line, but I do expect you to

at least attempt to meet me halfway. As much as you complain about not

getting it growing up, that should give you that much more reason to dote

on your children now.

I want to go on walks and just talk. I want to go to the playground with

the kids and marvel over how fast they've grown, reminiscing about the

silly things they used to do.  I want family time. Growing up, I didn't

have much. Let's face it, I went almost a full year off eating pancakes for

breakfast, lunch, and dinner (literally) because our power and water were

off. The one thing that I never went without was family time. Amidst all of

the relocating and chaos, we always found ways and time to do things

together. Whether it was a weekend at the lake, a day hike, board games,

anything. You missed *Our daughter's* first trip to Disneyland because you were

tired. You missed her first steps because you didn't want to "hang out at

my grandma's". You missed my weeklong horrific miscarriage that traumatized

me for life because you didn't want to travel back to *The city I was stationed in the Air Force* after you left me pregnant with an infant. You missed the baby's first portraits

because you didn't want to go. We cancelled our family portraits because

you don't want to take pictures. These are all very important family events

and memories for not only the children, but for us. Its not fair to us that

you simply don't want to, and then when we do, you get upset that we go

without you. You keep reiterating that staying home watching TV together is

"family time" but its not. I find myself attending your family functions

without you, like when Laura brought Ethan down for the first time. If you

want to be part of this family, you have to be an active member all of the

time, not just when you aren't as tired.

I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck. You take money from my wallet.

You don't tell me when you get paid. This is ridiculous. You keep talking

of buying a house when realistically, we are nowhere even close to having

two running vehicles at the moment. Childish dreams of becoming a police

officer, a marine, an A/C technician need to stop. This family of four

cannot possibly hope of owning a house or a decent car on a single income.

Yes, I will admit that you are collecting unemployment but at the same

time, turning down viable career offers. It would be different if you at

least maintained the household during the day, but rather you brag about

all the naps that you and the baby take. You are a almost a 30 year old

husband and father of two. You are not a teenager with no responsibilities

nor a retired 60 year old. Its time.

Autumn is my favorite season, and Christmas especially brings out very

romantic feelings. Yesterday, when I leaned over (in front of *Our daughter*) and

asked you if you planned on being with me forever, you asked if I was

looking for a way out and that we can go get a divorce right now. Why would

you possibly think that and even in thinking it, vocalize it in front of

your kids? The constant threats and talk of divorce have to stop

immediately. *Our daughter* shouldn't be overhearing her daddy telling her mommy

that he is leaving AGAIN. It is very confusing to her. When you left and

moved in to *His aunt's*, *Our daughter* and I sat down and discussed (in children's

terms) what was going on and that you weren't living with us anymore. I

realize that with this too, I am to blame. I wanted it to work out so badly

that I allowed you to treat us however you wanted, to come and go as you

saw fit, and still welcome you back as if nothing had changed. I, and your

children, cannot go on like this. We are married. Husband and wife who have

taken vows before God. We need to honor them correctly or end it

immediately.

I want to spend the majority of each day happy. Tears should be few and far

between, as should raised voices.  I want you to make our children's

welfare and happiness first, always, no matter what mood you are in or how

tired you are.

Its time for a change. It must be immediate and it must be forever. I don't

want a part time husband, part time friend, part time enemy. Either we are

a team, a family, a loving unit, or we are not. It is up to you if this is

something you want to strive for and work towards. There is no going back

anymore. I need to know.

Is this out of line for me to expect? Seriously? I know that hopeless

romantics usually end up alone because nobody could ever possibly live up

to all of their expectations but I would rather be alone than to feel the

way that I do today.

From: MIL

To: Me

Well, I think it is pretty good. The only thing I believe you should add

is to ask him if there is anything out of the relationship that he is

not happy about.

Every time I didn't feel happy about my relationship with *His dad*, we

always had a talk and I always make sure to ask him if he had any issues

with me. It works both ways.  He might have some little things he is not

happy about. Like you said, he doesn't like it when he is being

confronted about issues that might help ease the moment. You guys got to

work together as a team, and make each other happy.

By the way, I didn't know must of the stuff on your letter.  I feel for

you.  You are such a happy person, hard working and so full of life who

deserves to have a nice place to call home.

From: SIL

To: Me

Honestly, I think you've assisted in creating a monster.  If he wasn't my

brother, I would say get out and get out now.  Yes, he can use every excuse

in the book about his childhood but at some point he needs to take

responsibility for his actions.  Blaming your childhood is a copout, he's a

grown man who has made the decision to be married, to have children and to

live paycheck to paycheck.  None of these have anything to do with his

childhood.  How he nurtures these relationships and responsibilities is

100% up to him.  I really think that as long as he's with you, he will

continue on this path and NEVER grow up.  He needs a swift kick in the ass

to get his life together.  I know it's got to probably kill you because you

do love him and he is the father of your children but you are not doing him

any good by staying with him.  In fact, I truly believe you are enabling

his madness by sticking around.  I mean really, why try when he doesn't

have to.  It's gotten him this far and you're still with him.  No one

person should have THAT much control over another person, it's not natural

especially for someone who is super insecure like he is.  He really needs

to be alone and on his own and get some stuff figured out for himself.  He

needs to figure out what kind of man he wants to be first before anything

else.

As for your expectations, I think every relationship has its flaws.  No one

is perfect and you learn to compromise on things.  BUT, compromise is a two

way street.  Your relationship is one way and not healthy at all.  You've

lied for him so much over the years I see you struggling to break the

habit. I still think you do unintentionally, it's just habit now.  Again,

not healthy.

In addition to him figuring out what kind of man he want to be, I think you

need to do a little soul searching as well.  I think you need to work on

your self esteem and realize that you are truly valuable and worth being

and feeling loved.  I think you know logically this is true but somewhere

logic doesn't meet with your actions and you cater to holding on rather

than what's deserved.

I don't know, this is my two cents.  You know what you need to do in your

heart and logic tells you what is healthy not only for you but your kids as

well.  I'm thinking you sent this email to me and *MIL*  because you're

insecure about taking a stand not necessarily against him but strictly for

your and the kids benefit cause you're so used to catering to him and his

needs.  BUT, that's just my opinion.

From: His Aunt

To: Me, His/My Aunt, SIL, His Cousin, His Cousin, MIL, Unknown Person, Unknown Person 

Just an FYI....*His Cousin's Band* will be playing in Anaheim on Sunday, Dec 28th. This venue is for all ages!!! Tics, I think are $10.

Come on out and support the boy!

LOL.....I'm going

From: Me

To: Dad

Mom & Dad, would you mind watching the kids for a couple hours this night so I can go? I think David is going to. If not, he will watch the kids. I just want to make a plan just in case because I really, really want to go. 

From: Him

To: Me

We are going to be leaving right now to pick you up. See you soon crab ass lover bear.

From: Me

To: Him

Dude, you are totally gonna get me fired...you gotta stop calling. I

told....email me. Its always up and I always see it plus its instant.

From: Me

To: My Dad, My Mom, Him

(Included a picture from Minesweep)

Doesn't look good when you are "looking" busy at your desk and then you

yell out "$@#$!%#" and then slam your mouse.

I WILL BEAT IT!

From: SIL

To: Me

My dad told me that he's not selling the suburban to *His nickname* unless he has a job.  He said he told him on Friday.  Did *His nickname* tell you? 

From: My Mom

To: Me

OOOOOh honey.....whats up?

(and watch your language) LOL

From: Me

To: My Mom

I'm dying....I need to leave *Him* SOON or I will lose my mind. Seriously. 

From: My Mom

To: Me

Im sorry I was so abrupt honey....I dont like to come out of the bathroom when *BIL* is here without my brows done!

Did you get ANY sleep???

I truly believe that if you SLOW done a bit and try to get SOME kind of sleep caught up , you just might start to feel better.

From: Me

To: My Mom

No, sleep has nothing to do with it. He is so extremely, bipolar opposite. I honestly and truly feel myself slipping. I am losing my mind. I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. I had a plan. I have my job, my car is paid off, and now that Christmas is over, I was going to get a divorce.

Well, today is painfully slow. When I asked *my co-worker* if she needed help, she said that she might send me home until MONDAY. Then she said that most of the directors would be gone for a least a month, doing meetings with diff. vendors across Europe so they will probably only hire me on part time, like 3-4 hours in the early morning!

From: My Mom

To: Me

Are you effing serious???????

Have you or CAN you talk your way into what is was gonna be???

I guess not really....you are still temp huh??

$^&%!!!!!!

OK..no worries.

We will move on.

You see *Me*,

life will go on anyways, we just need to redirect AGAIN.

You will do this hundreds of times again in your future.

Its gonna be fine, it always works out ALWAYS

From: Me

To: My Mom

If I do this a hundred times in the future, then obviously it doesn't always work out. Its not "working out" if you have to go through this again.

I called the temp agency. My chick is out today because its her birthday. They will find out tomorrow.

In the meantime, *Co-Worker* said she called the HR chick to see if she needed help. If so, I can stay and work. If not, I go home.

All of that aside.....I don't know what to do about *Him*. Mom, its bad. Not physical but mentally and every other "-ally".  LOL but seriously....I don't want to cry all the time. I'm tired of "something" always coming up. We still haven't paid rent. He is sitting on all of that money. He hid his wallet from me so I wont' take it and pay bills. I don't know what to do. I can't live like this. We need to pay Dec and Jan. At least if we pay Dec, we have more time. Now he wants to pay $300 a month for a truck?!?! No way. He is not even looking for work, his unemployment is completely done, and he is only averaging MAYBE 3 lessons a week. I can't keep living like this but I can't find a way out. I'm seriously going to snap. I mean I can physically FEEL myself losing it.

From: My Mom

To: Me

Frick *Me*.....Do you want ME to tell him to pay the rent?????

He has CHILDREN!!!

Its not about you and him now.....but I know you know that.

When I say it will work out I simply mean that tomorrow WILL come and those kids are the reason why we live for then.

But again, you know that.

You MUST make each day the BEST you can.....easier said than done you say??...why yes , yes it is.

BUT

You CAN do it. You can and have, and will.

Just keep putting those beautiful children first and *He* better effen get on the stick now!!!! You must get that rent in!

CALL HIM NOW!again again and again

When you put all else aside and focus only on those precious kids it get clearer....not necessarily easier, just clearer and not so overwhelming.

Do you have to go home now?

*HE* needs a night job.......Gently let him know he must NOW.

I can watch the baby a coupla days , you know, so he can go get one.

He may not be the "big honcho with the high pay" but it can work and others do it on much less!!!!!!

You will remain or become employed without a doubt because you are so worth and EVERYBODY knows it....including the agency!

Breathe baby girl. Fight each fight in order not all at once.

Daddy and I and *My Sister* are here so you are NEVER alone!! Never!!!

From: Me

To: My Mom

You say all these little nuggets of wisdom but they are so general, they are not helpful.

Duh, I live for the kids. Duh, he needs a job. I have told him, sublty and otherwise, as did his family members. I am not magic. I cannot make him get a job. I cannot make him take his wallet, get a money order, and pay rent. I cannot make him do ANYTHING. I cannot even ask nicely.

All of these things you say need to be done, I know. That is what I am telling YOU. I just cannot make them happen and that is the part that is breaking me down. That utter lack of control is what is killing me.

From: My Mom

To: Me

What CAN be done to get the rent paid NOW???

From: My Mom

To: Me

Either I find a way to come up with the money or wait on him.